Salt Lake City may not be the new Austin, but we did find a nice whiskey bar across the street from my hotel -- the Bourbon House. Rule #71: If you get drunk in Kansas and are let your friend's dad tattoo you, don't complain when your Fleur-de-Lys looks like a turtle.
Rule #204: If you are a fan of American soccer, don't smile so much. Your team sucks. Doubly so for Real Salt Lake fans.
Rule #143: If you sit within earshot, are a brunette with glasses, do not be surprised when the brown man gets fresh.
Rule #782: If you're in Salt Lake City on a Saturday, you should probably check out Bourbon House.