The Amazing Adventures of a Zoobroker and a Sentiographer
Well, after a little drama where my friend's honeymoon in Bora Bora got cancelled due to a strike in Tahiti and I had to reroute their whole trip to Ixtapa, we're headed down south. Check in regularly and hopefully we'll have some gems for you soon...
I was thinking about shit the last few days -- mostly about how much people suck -- but I realized that one aspect of me (ever since we killed the pushup chart and the cigarette chart) that isn't well reflected here on lifeisaroadtrip.com is my obsession with "the numbers". Forget the whole "truth, lies, statistics" b.s. I'm not trying to simplify the world just cuz I can't comprehend or don't appreciate its complexity. But numbers, simple or not, can provide insight into what we're dealing with.
Anyway, this is what I was thinking yesterday ... when I tell people I'm going on 18 day road trip .. they're generally like "cool, I wish I could go on a road trip, where ya goin'?".
Me: "All over the south. Fort Smith, Arkansas. Mobile, Alabama. Lexington, Kentucky. Places like that."
Them: "Durrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Lexington?"
So this is what I've come up with:
If you're in the big red circle, I don't want to ever, ever talk to you. I realize that's not a great Venn diagram, but suck it. What I'm trying to say is, if you only want to visit the "cool" cities (e.g., NY, LA, Miami, Chicago, Vancouver) you're barely travelling. If you haven't already figured it out, travelling is a state of mind, and most of the world's reknowned cities are basically the same place ... the cool shit exists in the margins.
Anyway, I'm gonna go data heavy this trip ... jst cuz.
Now, I have to say, all of the parents were great. We got to speak at length to both Kevin and Mara's mothers, but Mara's Mom, Deb, invited us to sit next to her at the reception. What a wonderful, loving woman. If Mara is half as lovely as her mom is, Kevin is the luckiest man of our generation.
She did me the great honor of allowing me a dance:
... but not too shabby. For those just joining us, these are your wedding crashers du jour ...
Phaux in the 'Always Slimming All Black':
Zoobroker in the trey:
Really. We. Are. Here. Ok, for those who haven't been following the story along the way, here's the deal. We met Mara a few weeks ago -- on the night of her bachelorette party. She was winding down the night with her possibly nymphomaniac neighbor, Vicky, by having pizza at Two Boots. At Midnight. Sober. What kind of bachelorette party is that? Crickette, Phaux and I remedied this by pouring shots of tequila down everyone's throat. Until 3:30. At which point the concerned fiancee, Kevin, shows up, as his future bride has been incommunicado for 3 hours. He could have quite rightly given us the "Who the fuck are you guys?" but he joined the festivities for a shot, and at some point Mara flippantly invites us to the wedding. I'm sure she thought we'd never show up -- but she hasn't visited lifeisaroadtrip.com before. So, we're here. Here's the happy couple ...
Tons of pictures after the break
Mara, Mom & Dad
7 fifths of the wedding party.
The groomsmen (in sandals)
The Kiss
Gorgeous ...
The Bagpiper
Dodging Rice
Off They Go!
We put the hammer down, and for legal purposes we can't say exactly how fast we were going, but we suspect it may involve time travel. In fact, we found time to take a wrong turn and end up on Lake Michigan .. which is more impressive than one might think, but still not impressive enough to convince anyone to stay in Michigan.
Hey folks, we're back after a few months of silence -- glad you're still with us. We started a mini road trip today, we're going to call this RT4.333 for the moment ... we'd planned to go from NYC to Toronto (AKA TorTonto) to Detroit To Glen Arbor, but someone, who shall not be named here, lost his passport, so we made a detour this morning and headed towards Pittsburgh.
Turns, out there's a little town called Bellefonte on the way to Pittsburgh if you take Route 80. Bellefonte may or may not be where a certain roadtripper's girlfriend hails from. First stop: the American Legion .. this fella's got a big gun. I'm sure veterans in this town wouldn't appreciate my fondling, but hey, whatever.
We may or may not have stopped at a certain Bald Eagle High School.
We may or may not have filled a certain superintendent's truck's door handles with Beef Jerky.
Anyway, we've just arrived in Cleveland and are cleaning up. It's happy hour ... so later!
I am sitting in seatac airport with five'ish hours to go until I liftoff for home, and want to record some thoughts while they are fresh and juicy. First off, Zoo is a GREAT road mate. Words cannot express his huge contribution to the road trips being extraordinary, but I'll give it a shot..
He is unflinching about being alive and living life his way. I have great respect for him, even when I disagree. His travel is experience is deep, so having him along adds a layer of comfort, especially when he says, "Can we drive down on that iced over river?" (unnamed rental car company, please do not read this). His encouragement of me and other people to go outside their boundaries and live a little makes life interesting and fun. There's so much more, but my point is sincerely that I appreciate you, Zoo. Thanks for the miles and the smiles, dude.
Places #1 Portland #2 Banff #3 Vancouver
I could move to Portland tomorrow and be a very happy man. I will visit Banff many times in the future. And Vancouver is a damn cool city.
Highlights Kennedy School - just plain awesome The Doug Fir and Rontoms are great bars with fun people. Always wanted to drink at the Doug Fir and I learned that the Indie Music scene in Portland is great at Rontoms. My beautiful skull Banff, the beautiful Best Road Biggest Unanswered Question Whistler Village, BC
Panoramas
Favorite People Photo
Best Breakfast - Voula's (Sorry, Portland!) Best Lunch - St. James Gate Gangers and Mash Best Dinner - Tie between Slo Bar (burger) in Portland and Grizzly House (fondue) in Banff
Growth Every single road trip we make includes opportunities taken to plant seeds, leave room for gestation and let the new rear its head. On this trip, I was a lot more emotionally stable than prior trips, so instead my personal growth included being a bit more "one of the guys." My life prior to this didn't really have opportunity to ever be a wingman, play in bars, flirt outrageously, etc. It was a fairly "normal" path towards the American Dream of having the house, marriage and kids. Now I am living a new bachelor life and finding out that not only do I like being alone, but I also like learning more about what I may like in a relationship with each new gal with whom I spend a little time.
The result? I still believe in love and fidelity in a committed relationship. But it's not something I'll die over if I don't get it now... In the meantime I'm having fun.
As for Zoo, I know he had his own thoughts gestating during the trip. I won't presume to comment on them, but I do think they are going to stay underground for some more nutrients and water in the dark.
On another topic, I have some more thoughts about authenticity. It is a slight paradox that I choose to use a pseudonym on this site, but firmly believe in transparency and authenticity. This is brought into relief by one of Zoo's posts where during that evening I gave out personal information, but not info about this site. It turned out for the best, because the fun-poking from Zoo could be hurtful should the site be found. Nothing terrible, just not entirely nice. And here is the crux of the matter... What Zoo posts is not my responsibility, but I do share the site with him. Do I reveal what he posts by revealing the site, or do I let it pass? That question lies unanswered at present. So I also have something that needs more time to grow before I can make a decision.
It's also apparent that I am still learning the fine art (snicker) of being a wingman. It's foreign to me, and my beliefs. In parallel, I also believe that it's far easier to condemn something without every trying it. Greater understanding comes with experience. Easier said, I'll try anything once. In this case, if everyone is out to have a good time then it's a part of the "game." My gut feeling is that I am far too sincere to be a wingman. ;)
Biggest personal disappointment: Ummm... being a little naive about 'signals'
2nd biggest personal disappointment: Not actually engaging in deliberate Sentography, only holistic.
Biggest personal success: Frankly, enjoying myself with unfamiliar women on short notice. I've been removed from that world for a long time... I usually work into relationships over a long period of time. Bars and dating are almost a foreign language to me.
Wrapup Every road trip is a potent reminder that we have to choose to enjoy our days, not wait for enjoyment to find you. Make the things you want happen, but don't expect to be able to plan every road between here and what you want, leave that to chance - it's more fun that way.
And finally, get yourself a mohawk. It's the tits.
If you read wikipedia as much as I do, you'll know that the tallest tree ever to exist was not a Giant Sequoia, but rather a Douglas-Fir. After dinner, Phaux pointed us towards this arboronymous bar, in the Jupiter Hotel, which is also a semi-legendary music venue.
Shortly after arriving, three blondes from Seattle engaged us. Cathleen and Kelsey are pictured below.
Kelsey wanted to look tough, but I explained to her that the back-of-arm-jiggly stuff was not intimidating.
Of course, hilarity ensues. But not before I point out her little pea-sized head.
We retreated to the warm fire outside ... where we met a musician who was actually rejected from playing at the Hotel Utah. We will not be mentioning any names here, as she is not worthy.
Phaux snaps some shots of the lovely interior ...
There I am below on the right.
These girls were obnoxiously not funny or interesting, although they were cute.
Okay, now that we have all the blondes in the picture below, I'll explain ... Shelly (the way too fake-and-bake on the far left) was on her way up to Vancouver. At the border, the Canadian Border Patrol / RCMP denied Shelly access to their wonderful country. She claimed it was because she had been convicted of a DUI a couple years prior. Her friends told me that it was because she exceeded the Canadian limits on peroxide and bronzer. Anyway, they decided to go to Portland instead and have a "Fuck Canada" party. Then walks in this poor soul with a Canada t-shirt, who proceeded to get molested by the girls. I guess they really did want to fuck Canada.
The hipster shows her ink. Babe, if you don't do some toning exercises, in a few years, that guy is going to be tall and fat.
Notice the ghostly paleness of the crowd here. Portland gets approximately 4 days of sun each year, and residents are advised to stay indoors.
We like cleavage. Everyone in our corner of the bar was staring at this girl's tata's ...
Why I wore these retardo glasses, I'm not sure.
Phaux takes a picture of the girl taking a picture ... he says he loves the natural light, but I think he was going for an upskirt shot.
We played throw the butt in the ashtray ... it took me two tries. Soy el campion del mundo!!!!!!!
Sisters:
Me trying to perform ear-o-lingus. It didn't work. But I got thrush in my ear.
Acrylic moose head. 'Nuff said.
More bar shots to close this out ...
At the request of the original subject and acquaintances, we've decided to enact a little revisionist history. We do not ever intend to hurt anyone's feelings, but sometimes in the pursuit of opening other people's eyes to the expansive possibilities in the world, my vigorous methods of description and interaction are mistaken for something they are not. 1) We choose what we publish. 2) We respect other people, but sincerely desire that you all take a moment to push aside the veil and see what not allowing others' beliefs to form yours is freedom.
Without further adieu, here is the post edited to allow people to remain in their own personal comfort zone, with their bad hair and d-bag boyfriends.
Kamloops is not the most picturesque town in Canada (see bottom picture). It's not even in the top 50. It's surrounded by great geographical beauty, tho. Anyway, we wandered around town for a few minutes (more on this tomorrow), and ended up at Frick and Frack's, a sort of world-cuisine take on TGIFs, with a huge beer list. Phaux didn't take too any pictures of the food or the beer, because we were a little too enthralled with the bartender, previously shown above reclining on her bar.
After that picture, you might get the wrong idea when I said I enjoyed eating at the bar. People, get your minds out of the gutter
